I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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