If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize