Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
