You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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