I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
