i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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