i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
