kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
