The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
