My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Randomize
