My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
