Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
