hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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