dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
