Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
