I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Randomize
