Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
