She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
wow bdsm is so cute
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
