I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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