Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize