I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
