I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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