help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
