the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
