so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
