I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
