just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
