dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
