I want to stick my p in your. b.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
