Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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