please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
