A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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