Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
