I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
