you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize