so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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