How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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