I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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