Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
