He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize