She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
