her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
