took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
