he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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