Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
