Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
