im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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