Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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