Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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