Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
