My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
