Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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