look no pants
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
