The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
My pussy is not your playground.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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